Women Leading Through Balance

Krissy: Hello and welcome to another episode of the talent GTM podcast. I’m your host, Krissy Manzano. And today I have Stephanie Valenti with me. I’m so excited for this conversation. Stephanie is the current VP of sales at bill. com. She was a top 40 CRO to watch, and she was also a two time top hundred most powerful women in sales.

And she’s a mom of three kids and a well known leader. In our space, but also just within the U. S. And so I’m so excited to have you here, Stephanie, but also just to talk through women leading through balance, right? Which is the topic today of just how we are so much more capable of doing that of, of more than we can even understand and what culture and society says to us. And I think you are a perfect example of that. And so I’m really excited to just pick your brain and [00:01:00] get some great advice and walk through that, but welcome to the podcast.

Steph: Thank you. I’m so excited to be here. What a fun conversation. I can’t wait to share my stories and, um, and then of course after hear from others because so many people have stories like I’m going to share. So can’t wait. This would be great.

Krissy: Absolutely. And I think it’s just such a relevant time for multiple reasons, right? But, you know, we’re in an economy today in an era where most households have to have both parents or both partners working, right? To have just one person stay at home and, and take care of the family is just not as widespread as it used to be.

But we have in the US, a society and a government That still likes to act like it’s 1950, 1960. And, you know, I think the U. S. Surgeon general just came out. I’m sure you saw with, like, being a parent, um, is like a health crisis right now. I forget the specific language they used. And while I appreciate [00:02:00] people highlighting the challenges parents have, I get a little nervous sometimes when we use really exasperated language because what that really hurts is women who were already told from society, even if it’s not in your home from the beginning, you can’t have both.

You can’t have a career and be a great parent. And so when you see these things, you’re like, Whoa, the attorney, you know, the surgeon general is telling me this, right? And it’s not to say what. Being a parent isn’t hard. I think it’s financially more hard because daycare is like a second mortgage, right?

But I really want women to understand we are so capable of so much. And like, there’s a lot of things that we’re very superior in and what we can manage. And again, No one, no one can talk about this better than you. So that’s kind of just want to set that stage of what we want to go into. Um, so I’d love for you just to share a bit about your journey into leadership, right?

Cause I think for a lot of women, they feel like there’s no way I can lead [00:03:00] right at this time and stage of my life. It’s impossible, but, but tell us a little bit about your journey.

Steph: Yeah, it’s been a journey. You know, I, I think early on, I always knew that I had a passion for leadership. If I even think back into like sports teams and even my cheerleading team, right? Like, I was always wanting to be captain and I didn’t know where it stemmed from. Um, I think it was like at first it was the competitive nature of me, like wanting the title, wanting the responsibility.

And then as I grew, I realized it was something much deeper than that and more that I loved helping others become the best version of themselves. And so, um, if I think of even like my first, like professional job, I started in, restaurant. So I, I, most people know this that follow me. I had a child very early on.

I was 19 years old. went to school, worked three jobs, right? So, grit is like check Mark, right? That’s that’s there.so I had to start in [00:04:00] restaurant, right? Because I was doing all these things. But even in restaurant, it was like, okay, I’m going to be a server. And then I want to be a bartender.

And then I want to be an assistant manager. And then I want to be like a general manager. And then I went to corporate and, you know, I kept doing those type of movements and everything that I tried. And at one point, someone said to me, like, Steph, you’ve got to like, go into sales like you’ve got way too much drive and personality to be doing anything other than that.

And so, what was interesting about that, though, is like, you don’t get to go from leadership and restaurant to go and be a leader in sales, right? You have to start at the bottom. And so that’s what I did. I went into a outside sales role. back in my day, right? We didn’t have this. so I went into my outside sales role and, someone took a chance on me and, he was an unbelievable leader.

He taught me just the basics. He pushed me the way that I needed to be pushed. But I mean, I’m talking like I went into his [00:05:00] office and I was like, just so you know, like, I want to be a leader here. So, well, like, when can we start talking? And he’s like, I need you to be in your role a minimum of six months.

You have to be performing. Then you can come talk to me. But I didn’t wait six months. months, right? I went in there again and again and again. And I mean, I drove him nuts. I think probably right. but he eventually really, invested in me. And so I applied for my first leadership position, which was leading a new business field sales team, and I didn’t get it.

and I was livid, and I would say, like, my emotional intelligence wasn’t, like, at its peak when I was in my 20s. and so I didn’t get it. I was really, really upset. but I tried again, and I did. And the rest from there is kind of history, right? I, I got that first chance, and ever since then, I’ve, I’ve been, continually taking risks and jumping into different leadership positions with different people.

different levels of responsibility, maybe things [00:06:00] I’ve never done before, and continuing to, to stretch, what I thought I was able to do, just by, you know, asking myself the question if it’s, if like the absolute worst thing could happen is something that I could live with, and what’s the risk? And I, so I asked myself, and every time it’s like, yeah, We’ll live right and jump in again and jump in again.

And so, that is a very high level overview of kind of how I got into what I’m doing today. But. it’s been a journey for sure. An absolute journey.

Krissy: no, it’s, it’s incredible, let alone impressive. And I guess just kind of diving into that a little bit more. What were some of the initial challenges you faced, you know, when trying to balance your professional and personal life, especially as a young mom, right?

Steph: Yeah. you know, it’s interesting. So when I, met my husband, he owned his own business and he did, really well, right? So I continued to finish my education, and, he started supporting us. And so I [00:07:00] didn’t think like the. Career path was even going to be what I ended up taking. I look back now and I’m like, I don’t know how I would have ever been anything else.

but he had lost his business really quickly and suddenly. And that’s what propelled me into like, I’m going to have to do this. And you’re going to stay home and we’re going to switch roles. And I’m going to be the steady paycheck for our family. And you can work on your entrepreneurial stuff, but you’re going to have to raise our children.

And that was a really, really hard decision. Like there were, moments that for me of like, I envisioned the mom I was going to be. and I got to see myself becoming a very different mom than what I envisioned. And, and for a long time, like I had some mom shame for sure. especially because my husband was the one walking the kids to school every day.

My husband was the one like going to the parent teacher conferences. he was doing all of that while I was running to school. To be able to, [00:08:00] like, get ahead and provide for our family. And so, like, I remember one day my, my boys are my oldest and, one of my sons came home and he’s like, you know, someone at school today asked me if I had a mom.

Krissy: Oh,

Steph: Can you imagine, like, And I’m, you know, very young still at this point and it just broke me. fast forward to today, like I, I don’t have that mom guilt anymore. I think the definition of like, what a good parent is, is different. To everybody. And it’s based on how your kids see you. See you and the, you know, what you’re able to give to them in different ways.

It’s not what you see on Instagram and, the Bento boxes and the . The PTA always, like, you don’t have to be that to be a good parent, but I, I had, I had a lot of. Just like inner fighting for a long time.

Krissy: yeah. I

Steph: I would also say like Krissy, I, I did over go like in one way, like I went way too deep in [00:09:00] work at times and didn’t balance right at all.

Like husband deal with it, deal with it, deal with it. I’m working, I’m working, I’m working. And, and because of the inability, to understand how integration and balance was important. There are things I missed. Like, I, I don’t miss them anymore. I don’t miss them with my daughter, who’s the youngest, but I definitely missed them, with my boys.

Yeah.

Krissy: how vulnerable you’re being, but also there’s, when you talked about a couple of things, there’s kind of two takeaways for me in just you sharing this part of your story. One, moms aren’t the only ones that have to show up. It’s okay for your husband to show up your village like whatever that is. And I think when we’re not the ones showing up 100 percent of the time, it’s like, well, there’s something wrong.

And we, you know, we, we only have 100 percent of ourselves to get right. And it’s okay for other people in certain moments to show up. But I think the other piece that you mentioned, which is the balance, right? I think. [00:10:00] You see this in a lot of households where one, like, raises or stay at home and the other one goes to work and, and so they, it almost is like, okay, well, we’ve got to go in these directions and like intense because, and, and all that you can almost justify the unbalancing of it versus, no, just because you’re staying at home doesn’t mean you don’t get breaks and doesn’t mean that your partner can’t.

Show up and check in right there. You, you really have to, which is hard, but they’re both jobs. Right? And so it’s like, how do you balance that? But it feels so different because 1 job, you know, looks, looks very different and isn’t always recognized as a job. Right? And so I think. Even in those situations where people do have 1 parent that stays at home, it really making sure that, you know, your balance is your priority versus I want to show that I’m worthy and doing my role.

Right?

Steph: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think the workforce Like evolution has helped to right if I think back to like the [00:11:00] expectations where like you were expected to be the first in the office and the last to leave or like you weren’t showing up and you were expected to like constantly exceed expectations and that meant 100 percent work all the time, whereas like the leaders set the stage today.

So I’m not saying it’s still not like that in places. I have worked in places recently where it’s very much like that. But an example of like where I work now, my leader, is a woman. and I am on camera with her. We’ll be in big meetings and her kids will come in. They’ll kiss her on the cheek.

They’ll hug her like in camera. There’s no shame. You don’t see her being like, no, get out. I’m on a call. Right. It’s just welcome. It’s understood that we can have that balance of like children are not like it. This like weird thing that’s not allowed to be seen in business, but that is set by the leaders in the organization that you work for.

If you don’t have that in other places, then [00:12:00] you as a individual or a leader just getting started, or, or an IC where it’s their first job, they would never do it. If they didn’t see their leader do it. And so it’s this also like just acceptance that’s starting to happen. but I definitely couldn’t do, um, back back then.

Krissy: Yeah. No, that’s an excellent point. I think. Again, as you’re listening to this, hope like in today’s age, like it’s absolutely possible, but you also talked about leaders setting that, right? So let’s talk about boundaries as a leader. How do you set those boundaries when you may not always have leadership that really is in tune?

And let’s be real. It’s a lot of leadership, right? Like they’ll preach from the mountaintops, how they love women and all these things, but they’re, they’re the ones that shout the loudest about that are normally the biggest problems. Um, I said that, sorry, not sorry.

how do you set those boundaries to make sure that you can still show up and do what you need to do at work, but also still, you know, show up and be the mom you want to be and the parent you want to be and [00:13:00] wife, you know, friend, et cetera.

Steph: Yeah. I used to not be able to like, I would miss really important things. I wouldn’t go to the parent teacher conference. I’m like, you’ve got it. Because I can’t get out of this meeting or I can’t. I’m worried about how I will be perceived. That was the biggest thing that I learned. It’s like, I’m more worried about how they’re going to perceive my decision than anything else.

It was the most important. And that, you know, I had to learn that about my personality is that I cared what people thought. I don’t know what happens when you turn 40. You’re like, you just don’t care anymore. I really, I’m in my like mid forties now. I don’t care. I think that helped. So now it’s like, Hey, I didn’t ask anyone permission. I’m taking my daughter to a concert tonight. I blocked my calendar, from three o’clock on and, and it’s on there and it says, I’m taking my daughter to a concert and that’s it.

I have to go. I’m doing parent things right now. and I, and I blocked that.

I will say, I have a doctor’s appointment this morning. I’m going to be out. I just, I just say it like it [00:14:00] is. now And what I’ve realized is people are okay with that. Like, it’s normal human things.

Krissy: Yes. But you’re also confident in who you are, right? Like, you know, you’re a badass and you know, you get stuff done.

I think back, like, I became a mom, like, right when I turned 30, but I had, like, pretty much a whole decade of work experience working like in that. And so it was confident by that point of who I was as a professional.

So I was willing to try more things out versus if I was younger, I wouldn’t have that. But I think, you know, knowing that, like, if believing in yourself, which sounds so corny, but it’s so true will really help you make good decisions. Right? I. Insecurity is like the biggest challenge people face. And I know everyone has insecurities, but like, there are folks that have it so deep rooted that it literally changes who they are.

Right. And so

Steph: Totally.

Krissy: go like, see, work on that. Whether it’s through a therapist or whatever, because it will literally change your life. Um, and I say that in the sense of when I had my daughter [00:15:00] in 2018, I remember, you know, that was a whole new world to me. And. Breastfeeding and all those things. And I remember it was like, I’m going to go back to work and I’m just going to tell them what I need.

Right. I need to have two days at home. This is when in office was still a thing. Right. Um, the first like three months. Um, and I like educated all of these men on breastfeeding and I put like my times when I had to pump on, you could tell they felt so uncomfortable, but I was like, listen, these are times that are blocked off on my calendar.

Where I’m going to go in this, when I’m in the office, I’m going to go pump. And if you put anything on my calendar, it will just automatically decline it. Because if I don’t do it at this time, I’m going to just lose my milk supply that, you know, I have to do to feed my child. And what I found was really amazing was that literally it’s the only time when I’m like, don’t put meetings at this time that everyone followed it.

Right. Because like everyone in our entire company across the whole U. S. No, 1 was like, Krissy, why are we at this [00:16:00] meeting or put on there? And I found that really interesting because society was like, they’re not going to allow that. And I’m not saying every company will do that. Right. But I think there’s an element of, like, sometimes and it’s hard.

Just speaking up and saying, this is what I need and this is the why, right? Without being condescending to people without shaming, but just saying, this is why I need to do this.

Steph: Yeah.

Krissy: Okay. Like if they don’t know, you know, people, knowledge is power. Right. Um, so I found that a really interesting data point of just like when I’m confident with that and I know I’m going to get my stuff done.

I don’t need that. Can that can be helpful? So does something.

Steph: You know, it’s, you said a lot of things there that were just really, really good. I think the biggest thing is like, people don’t know what you need unless you tell them. Right.

Krissy: Yes. Yes.

Steph: And when you have some of those insecurities and you don’t know where they’re rooted from, from, right, sometimes it could be rooted, even because you are the one that provides for your family and you are in fear.

If you [00:17:00] lose your job, how are you going to take care and feed your family? Like, it could come from somewhere. stuff that’s like rooted like that, right? And so, um, but if you can find the root cause of that insecurity and then start saying, this is what I need and here’s why, and really hold them accountable to your needs, then things start to come together.

But it’s always, it’s always easier said than done, right? I can do it today, but I didn’t do it for myself back then. And so my hope is that, you know, Some of the women that are earlier in their career that are listening to this, like, start to really, like, speak up for themselves and figure this out earlier than I did, because I wish I didn’t wait until I was in my 40s to gain, like, the backbone and voice for myself that I needed, um, because it really did take me that long.

Krissy: Yeah, and I also think that people don’t understand. Sometimes I realize like being a leader and a parent can actually be a little bit easier than being an IC and a parent. If you know how to delegate and organize, I’m not saying there’s not other trade, or at least in my [00:18:00] opinion, I don’t know how you feel about that, but just, you know, you already becoming a parent kind of forces you to really be a little bit be more efficient, especially for women.

Now we have more things to juggle and balance. Right. But, um, I don’t know your thoughts on that. Yes,

Steph: I think that I know, because I’ve grown in my career, I have a, strong ability to communicate. And that even means to my children because I know how to manage. Right? So that’s, that’s made it easier. I would say for me, I, I have like still a bit of not responsibility just to myself, but my entire team on making sure I’m supporting them the way that I need to.

And so when I think about like my leadership stuff, I think it’s a little harder, right? And then being, and I see because I see I’m like looking out for myself and yes, I need to get my stuff done. But like, if I don’t respond to this message tonight, who am I holding up? throughout my [00:19:00] entire like organization for them not to be able to get stuff done.

And so the pressure feels a bit heavier for me in that way, especially when you’re with like big teams, right?

Krissy: Yep. What would you say to someone right now? So, you know, I’m sure there’s quite a few listeners. That are women in leadership, and they’re going, I love all the stuff you’re talking about. I am in a place right now where I’m struggling to find that balance to be the leader that I need to be, to be successful and be the mom I want to be right.

And balancing those personal things. And granted, I know there’s a lot of different scenarios, but what’s just like general advice or things you would, would give.

Steph: Yeah. I think first things first. one thing that I do at the end of the day is I think about like a CISA, right. And I do this quick self reflection moment every day. It’s like, was I, Too much of just leadership and no parent, or was I enough parent and like, or the vice versa? Or am I somewhere in the middle [00:20:00] and going back and forth?

And I do a check. And if at the end of the day I was one way more than the other, then that’s okay for that day. But I need to be cognizant as I go into my next day that it doesn’t continue along the same journey of one so much over. You’re not going to get it perfect every day. There are days you’re going to have critical things at work.

Projects do things are blowing up nine one ones, and you are going to be all work and minimal parent. And then there are days when things are going to be smooth at work and you have that flexibility and that time to make sure you’re investing in catching up on your parents stuff. I think the hard part is we try to be perfect all the time and it is not possible.

Like, it is just not. Um, you know, I wrote something on LinkedIn and tagged you, Krissy, after we had a quick conversation. It’s like, I actually forgot to sign my daughter’s drama sheet that day. Like Oops, right? It happened. I got a note from the teacher. Like, you didn’t do this. Just the other day, she’s like, mom, I was supposed to have a poster board and I didn’t have it.

And I was like, oh, it’s upstairs. Like, I bought it, but I forgot to tell you. Like, [00:21:00] it’s, it’s chaos, right? It’s chaos. My daughter’s fine. Her sheet got signed, right? Her poster board is in. She wasn’t late for her assignment. Um, that I’m sure like some of the moms are looking at me like, oh my gosh, like, get your crap together.

We’re fine though. Yeah. Like, she’s fine. I’m fine. Um, work’s fine. Like, everybody’s fine. It’s not perfect, but it’s fine. So, I would just say, like, the tip is just don’t be so critical. Self reflect every day. You don’t want to go too far in one direction and not. And if it does, that’s where you need to start saying, like, even to your leader, hey, um, I, I know it’s not your problem, but I do have a family, and I’ve noticed I’ve gone all in, like, All, all in for way over like my normal eight hours, um, for a bit too long, I need to try to balance a couple of things.

Are you good with me putting some blocks on, um, at the end of the day so that I don’t get overbooked? Uh, and, and no one’s, your leader is not going to look at [00:22:00] you and say, no, if they do like, hey, guess what? I’m hiring. So reach out to me because I, I, I just like, yeah.

Krissy: there are more supportive people who will say yes to that conversation in today’s world, then we’ll say no. So if you run into someone that says no, I actually had a friend who someone said no to that, right? Have something similar. So she went on leave and she’s going somewhere else now, right? And I, and I, cause it really is not the norm in that type of situation.

I think that’s a great thing, but I think looking at your day and reflecting and knowing not every day is perfect is, is really an advice. And I think the other thing, just kind of going into a little bit more to talk about it and even your post, like. As women, part of the change that we have to make is, is within us, not within others.

And it’s that we try, we are so good at balancing and managing a million different things to the point where we step in at times that we don’t need to. Right. And [00:23:00] I, I always think about this like really pivotal moment. It’s such a silly example, but where I had this moment of like, I don’t need to do that.

And I. My daughter, I was either a year or two ago, um, probably two years ago, but she had like this Valentine’s day party at school and I had signed up to like bring a tree and napkins. And I got these like really cute napkins for it. Right. And so I take, I take them to school. My husband picks them up.

And so it was, I was taking them to school and I just told my husband, I said, I have those treats and everything. And the napkins on the kitchen table. Can you, cause you always put stuff in the car, put that in the car. Um, and so we’re on our way. And I realized he didn’t put the napkins in there. Right.

Obviously didn’t do that, you know, miss that on purpose. It’s not that big of a deal, but I called him and I was like, Hey, do you know like where the napkins are? Cause they’re not in here. He’s like, Oh, I forgot them. And the old me would have gone, okay, like I’ll come back and get them and I’ll go take them over.

And, and I, it was a moment where I just paused and I said, okay, Well, I know it wasn’t on purpose, but I [00:24:00] don’t have time to do that today because I’ve got a pretty busy day. And I just paused and he goes, and I just talked about the story with him the other day. So he’s okay with me sharing. And I paused and I, it, and he goes, I mean, I can bring them in and drop them off, you know, and I’ll just move this call or whatever.

I said, that’d be great. Thanks. And it was a moment where it’s like, we have to remember men are very capable. We have to just let them. And it’s not about punishing someone for making a mistake. It’s not punishing yourself because a mistake of someone else. Right. And so it’s like, I didn’t want him to like, napkins don’t feel guilty about that.

But I worked to like organize all that. And so like now that you have to go out of your way to do that, maybe you’ll be a little bit more detailed oriented next time. Right? And so it’s. It’s a dumb example, but it’s an example of like how I don’t need to, to run around. And I just think about that when you were, when you’re talking through those things of like, it’s just so important to know, like, Hey, you have a doctor’s appointment.

They’re sick. Like it’s sometimes we have to let people fail or, or take [00:25:00] away that control from ourselves. So we can, cause we can’t do it all right. We can have, but we can’t do it all. And I think that’s really

Steph: That’s right. Yeah. Yeah. Great story. I can totally relate. And, and my, you know, I don’t think men are naturally wired. Right. The same way as we are. And so they don’t think those things matter, right, as much. And so that’s why they don’t pay attention to them. But to the kids and, and to us, it does matter.

Right. And what we sign up for. And so I agree. my husband does a lot that is not natural to him. I promise you, he does a lot that is not comfortable,

Krissy: They’re treatable.

Steph: like making the kids lunches. They’re trainable. Yeah. And, and there’s still things like if I know it’s like a. creative project or, it’s something like where it’s dress up week at school.

Like I’m going to have to get involved, right? I don’t expect him to like turn on a creative gene. but, but you know, he’ll at least share it back with me. Like, Hey, need your help on this one.

Krissy: [00:26:00] Right.

Steph: So

Krissy: Yeah. No, we have to, I mean, that is also part of leadership, right? Like, help others, allow them to have the space and the, and the opportunity to step up. So I think that’s so wise. Um, last question, as we get ready to end this episode, I could, we could talk about this forever. What, what’s the 1 takeaway you’re probably like, you might have already said it.

You want listeners to remember after talking about leading through balance here. If you could just give 1. Yes.

Steph: Yeah. gosh, it’s so hard. You know, I think forever work life balance was a big thing and then it moved to work life integration. And, I think integration is probably an easier way or an easier expectation to hold yourself to, but self reflect. you’re not going to be perfect and that’s okay.

Like, allow, give yourself a break, is probably my biggest thing, right? what perfect is to others doesn’t have to be what perfect is to you. So establish what good looks like for yourself and what you’re comfortable with. And if you have a partner or a [00:27:00] community, what they’re, you know, able to support you with.

And come up with your own perfects. Don’t let society do that for you. Yeah,

Krissy: I love that. Come up with your own perfect. It’s so true because like, listen, if you like going to PTO, don’t do it. Like, it’ll be okay. If that’s not you, then don’t do it. Right? There are other ways you can show up for your child. Like, don’t let your insecurities drive what that looks like. So I, I think that’s an excellent note.

So we all, I mean, depending on how this goes, we might have to do a part two on this, but all that to say, I hope this inspires, you know, folks listening to this, even, even husbands or, you know, fathers, I should say, right. But, um, but also women, right? Like, we are, we can do it. Um, we’re so capable of, of doing so many things.

A lot of times it’s the insecurity and societal. Norms that push us to, to think differently. And that’s hard. Um, but also we are in a day and age where like, you’re not alone. Um, and it is more accepted and it’s getting better, but [00:28:00] like, let’s keep pushing to make it better. And, and, you know, setting the bar.

So with that said, um, you know, we’re, we’re at the end of time today, but Stephanie, thank you so much for being on the podcast and just sharing some, some gracious, like wisdom and being vulnerable and sharing your story.

Steph: Of course, thank you so much for having me.

Krissy: Of course. And you know, you can always discover more hiring insights with other leaders on the Talent GTM podcast. If today’s conversation piques your interest, subscribe to our podcast on Spotify, Apple podcasts, or our website, and never miss an episode until then. We’ll see you next time. See you later.

Bye.